


Arctic Winter Lungs

by thatdragonchic



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Suicidal Thoughts, very little fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-26 01:39:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16672342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatdragonchic/pseuds/thatdragonchic
Summary: Drabbles on discord that I wrote for Kayley after watching 3.08Mac is feeling a lot of things, sadness and uncertaintyHe's pushing Jack away, and Bozer is concerned. The healing process is long, but Mac can't heal without Jack, no matter who he has there with him.





	Arctic Winter Lungs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [simplykayley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplykayley/gifts).



1.

Mac was hardly able to breathe. Every bone in his body, every nerve on end. He shoots up in bed, screaming, no true sense of his surroundings. His tactile senses come back. Bed, covers, moonlight through the window. He falls back and tries to breathe. He feels like he can't and god, he wishes he had someone to hold him. Someone who would tell him its okay. He buries his tear stricken face in the pillow. He feels broken, lost. He thinks how Jack has his old delta unit. How everyone else has someone to care for them. But he's the great big hero and he has nothing. He has no one. He was entirely alone, left to fight every war. When left to it, his head whispers it'd be much easier if he just died already. He takes a breath, rolling over. He's restless. He cant stop shifting. He can't get comfortable. His mind is racing. _better off dead. Who cares for you anyways? Next op you could just let them kill you. And guess what? Nobody would think its your fault. And you know? They'd just move on. Like they did with Jill._

Mac sobs against the pillow, he can't make it stop. Can't drown out his thoughts, they're impulsive, there's no merit to them. The night is never ending. He sleeps but barely, riddled with nightmares. He wakes up and just lays in bed. He doesn't want to move. Doesn't want to leave.

_Txt 9.52 AM: matty: blondie, war room ASAP_

 new op move it He gets up. And he goes. Pretends hes okay, pretends like it all matters to him. And he heads off to LAX to get dragonfly. Like hes asked of. Like he's supposed to. Nobody even knows hes broken, and that's okay. He's not sure they'd even want to fix him. In fact, it's probably better they don't know about the impulsive thoughts he can't shake. They plague him, and haunt him, taunting over his shoulder like a devil and angel, id and superego. They sing their sickening, maddening songs, and he does his best to ignore them. 

Matty needs him. Jack needs him. Everyone needs him- how could he be so selfish? He doesn't want to be selfish, but he can't drown out the thoughts. A lot of the time it all feels like it's drowning him. 

 

 

2.

Everything hurts and nothing matters. He wanted nothing more than to be shattered by everything. He wants to let the bomb kill him. But Riley insists he needs to do it. So he does. He does it because they want him to save _them_. Living is bittersweet. He goes home, numb and mulled over. He wants to have let it all end. He thinks maybe if helps murdoc escape, murdoc will finally kill him. He finds himself desperately indulging in every book he can to dull the thoughts in his head. At least if he buries himself in quantum physics and textbooks, then he doesn't have to think about all the... things he feels. Whatever that qualifies as. 

It wasn't depression, he doesn't think. He wasn't about to diagnose himself. it was just a looming weight on his chest, everything felt heavy inside, and perhaps hollow. There was a dark haze over everything. A desperate longing, a lack of emotions. He feels like he's watching his life through a lens, like he wasn't directly involved. 

He keeps dreaming of his death, and then waking up screaming. Sometimes if Bozer is home. Bozer will hold him. Convince him he's okay.

\--

"What happened with the ghost.... I don't think it was nothing," bozer tells Riley. "I think something is wrong... like really wrong." She raises a manicured brow and he feels so angry.

"If something was wrong, he'd tell us. You know he would."

Bozer wants to say he's not so sure, but he swallows the sentiment. Riley continues typing, and he wishes she saw what he did. He wishes he could open up about the screams at night, the way Mac seems so distant. 

 

 

3.

Mac pushes Jack away. As far as possible. He can't let Jack get too close, and then he'll start to notice. Notice macs sullen eyes. Notice his obsessive reading. Notice his flurry of notes. Notice his uncapped highlighter, the cap between his teeth, his hands shaking. Jack notices anyways but it's too late.

90 down the highway and he has a destination. He just needs to be in the furthest place possible. Far away from LA. He cant run but he certainly can hide. Just for a while.

He left his phone at home. He doesn't want to be found. He goes to the beach and sits on the sand near the shore. He thinks if he wades into the water he can drown in it. Nobody would ever find him.... sunken in the ocean. Eaten by the sharks. He stays until sunrise. Then goes to a coffee shop. Then sleeps in the car. He drives home with cold coffee. It doesn't even matter anymore, everything always felt so cold, like an arctic winter was wrapping around him like a blanket. 

 

 

4.

They meet on an op, and mac is kissing him because he wants to _feel_ something and he does. He feels everything all at once, pressed to the wall, this hot other agent guy between his legs. He can't help but grind his hips down on the other, god its been so _long_ since he felt even the faintest spark of pleasure.  
They each catch their marks, the two walking down the hallway the two were making out in, and well, it all happened in one fell swoop. Part from kiss, punch one guy in the face, throw him into the other, tie them up, and escort them out. Cuffed into the helicopter or car or whatever it was. Package in hand, plus Mac got his number. 

"How'd you get him blondie?" Matty asks later in the war room. 

"Unconventional methods of perception distortion." Only technically. But he wasn't lying. And they all believe him.

\--

The next morning his clothes are on a hotel room floor. They finish what they started, and Mac hasn't done something like this in a long time, and it felt exciting and _bad_. Mac makes a joke about usually letting guys take him to dinner first, and Jasper grins. (What kind of name was that? _a hot one_ mac thinks.) "I'll take you out for lunch then, after this." Mac agrees. And he doesn't think hell ever forget jasper's name, mostly because he presses it into his memory every time he moans. He knows its a false hope to think no one else could hear him, or that maybe all of Jasper's friends don't know. 

He finds, later on, when they're at lunch, he doesn't really care. It was nice to feel like spring was blooming in his chest rather than winter wrapping around his lungs. 

 

 

5.

No. Jasper doesn't fix his... well Mac doesn't think its fair to self diagnose. So whatever it is, Jasper doesn't fix it. But he eases the strain over the next few months. He repurposes Mac. Makes him happier. Usually when Mac cries he holds him, and that was nice, in a different way than when Bozer held him or something. Jasper understood him. They were broken people who weren't looking to fix each other but rather fix themselves together, he finds that Jasper gets all the hurt, in fact he has deeply cut wounds of his owns. His own version of winters sitting in his lungs.

Mac _wants_ to get up, just to prove that he can now. And Jasper recognizes that when hes around. He sees that Mac is conquering the quiet demons that haunt him, and he hugs him so tight even when he wakes up screaming and defeated.

Mac wakes up and sometimes he'll tell Jack stories, and Jack would smile and listen and they'd talk like they used to talk. Sometimes he'll bring a coffee with him to work, sitting in the lab and working on something or other. Sometimes he'll even look well rested. Jack doesn't know what to do. What to say. Does Mac even need him outside of work anymore? He felt obsolete, even as Mac seems to be blooming again- what if nothing is the same again?

\--

Bozer sighs as Jack voices his... _concerns_ for Mac not needing him. Riley sees nothing off about his behavior except for being dickish. "It's because he's scared, Jack," he blurts out. "He wakes up _screaming_ and telling me he couldn't save us. He couldn't save you. I know he doesn't want to admit to it but something is twisting in his head, and hes scared. Hes so scared."

Jack looks upset by this. "Why wouldn't he tell me?"

"I don't know, but... I don't know what to do anymore. He needs us, and we're not there for him like we should be."

 

 

6.

Bozer had been wrongfully skeptical of Jasper. Because he wakes up and Mac had just come back from a run with Jas, who by the way looked miserable (he hated running, especially running at 7 AM), and Mac looked so happy. "It wasn't that bad," he tries to ease his boyfriend, who scoffs. 

When Mac goes to change, he hugs jasper so tight. "You know... he did this himself," jasper says. "I didn't fix him or anything."

"Yeah but you gave him the hope i couldn't give him no matter what I tried." Jasper smiles. "Was he that bad?"

"He hasn't smiled like that in _months_. You helped him more than you think." Jasper smiles shyly, squeezes Bozers hand.

"He's a great guy," jasper says. "I mean it, I really like him." Bozer didn't even know what Jasper could see past Macs burdening despair. But he nods, and smiles.

\--

Born to die was Jaspers favorite album. He lived for it. Loved it. Making out on the balcony to it was never a terrible idea, but Mac can't stop asking jasper ridiculous questions between kisses and hes laughing. They both are. National Anthem by Lana Del Rey is playing over his bluetooth speaker.

"You're making it hard to kiss you for long," jasper complains.

"I just have so much energy. I wanna go do something. Lets go out."

"We could go out."

"Let's go to the city, let's wander around."

"Ah yes, because this is such a pleasurable small town."

"Shut up!" They meet in a happy kiss. "Come on, let's go."

\--

Jack can't stop thinking about what Bozer said. What the hell does he do now? He goes to find Mac but hes not home. They had to stop meeting like this.

\--

Mac and Jasper lay on the beach and Macs energy becomes a sad quiet again. "A few months ago I came here and thought about killing myself. Just drown in the ocean where no one would find me."

Jasper is heartbroken. "Oh Angus..." he whispers, heartache cracking through his words. "Your friends love you. They wouldn't know how to live without you."

"It doesn't feel that way. I don't know what's wrong with me... i just keep thinking how much better everything would be if I weren't here."

"Never."

"I'm just another operative in the system. They'll find someone else."

"Maybe. But try as we might the heart will never replace the love it had for someone like you. If I had never met you I'd have missed someone so amazing."

"I'm broken."

"And you're good at fixing things. In fact you make them better than before. You can become better." They're quiet and Mac kisses his shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

 

 

7.

Mac shows up on Jacks door and hugs him the second he sees him. He was the only one who could fix him. He always had been the only one.

Jack hugs him back, just holding him in the dim of the hallway. 

\--

"You wanna talk?"

"I thought if I pushed you away you wouldn't have to handle my baggage- no please listen. I need you to listen. Its like you guys never want to listen. Okay? And I need you to listen."

"O-okay... I'm listening."

"It wasn't bad at first, you know? Just... just bad thoughts here and there. But then it got worse. Everything was worse. I hated myself. I felt obsolete. Like my only purpose was yo save you guys. I felt like if I _died_ it wouldn't matter and I... i kept trying to figure out the right time and place. It didn't really stop.... until a few weeks ago I was on the beach with Jasper and... I'd been there months before." Mac pauses, taking a deep breath. "I wanted to call you. I wanted to come over. But I was so scared.... of facing what you had to say. About how it was stupid and god I felt like if you said you needed me I'd shoot myself anyways. Everyone _needs_ me. Everyone needs me to help them. Everyone needs me to fix things. Everyone needs me to listen to them. And I do. I listen. I help. I save you guys. I never ask for anything in return. And its not your fault, but I just... I _feel_ like I'm not worth anything beyond what I can do. And I guess jasper reminded me a little there was a person worth loving in my body too." Jack nods. Mac continues. "But I cant.... I need you. I need you to be there for me, Jack."

Jack grabs his kid into hug, letting mac sob into his shoulder. "I'm right here Mac... promise I'm right here."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed!! I ALWAYS appreciate comments, and I try my best to reply to everyone!   
> Shameless Plug: waldenbeckboys.tumblr.com


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